13/ Our First Rainbow Flag

“Of course BEING STRAIGHT isn’t a CHOICE …

It’s awful!

Nobody writes a blog about you!

Nobody sends you presents in the mail!

Seriously — WHO WOULD CHOOSE THIS LIFESTYLE??!!”

My middle daughter, Sam, is pretty funny, but she was half serious, too, when she said this to my husband and me a few months ago. If you’ve been following along here, you probably know that the Great Disruption of our family’s comfortable Christian life started last year with finding out that our oldest daughter was gay, and our lives became consumed by a period of sonic boom-level disorientation, followed by a season of desperate prayer and research, followed by wildly unexpected reconciliation!, followed by inexpressible loss … followed by a feverish passion to love, support and protect the LGBTQ community. And for some reason, I decided to write about it publicly. (I guess if you have not been following along, now you’re all caught up. That’s basically what happened.)

But I feel you, kid. It’s hard to compete with that.

“I’m sorry you’re straight.” ☹️

Despite her semi-serious hetero indignation about where the rainbow spotlight chose to shine, what this kid might not realize is how instrumental she was in our journey toward acceptance. Sam was her sister’s first confidant and remains her fiercest ally. Just 11 ½ years old when she first received the news, she got it, and poured out the purest unconditional love and support for her big sis. Back when all I could offer my vulnerable child who had just confessed her most terrifying secret was a gentler version of, “I love you, but I don’t support you,” SHE had her back. 100%. And I remember being grateful for it even back on that first night. We couldn’t fully embrace her the way she so desperately needed to be embraced, couldn’t “wave the rainbow flag” for her, and that hurt…but I remember confessing to my husband, “I’m really glad she has Sam.”

Today, June 28th, is Sam’s 13th birthday. It’s fitting that she shares this day with the anniversary of the 1969 Stonewall Riots, the beginning of the LGBTQ civil rights movement in America and the birth of “Pride.” It’s hard for her to comprehend this, but back then, there were laws against homosexuality, and police brutality against the LGBTQ community had been progressively building to a point of active resistance, when those who had been beaten down over and over somehow found the strength to fight back.

Had she been born decades earlier, Sam would have been right in there with them. I believe this is true because when it comes to bullying and homophobic speech or behavior, she, uh, “came here to chew bubblegum and kick butt, and she’s all out of bubblegum,” if you know what I mean. One more person, call her sister a “faggot,” I dare you.

I think overall things have improved, but even today, there are still many states in which LGBTQ people can be denied housing, lose their jobs, etc just for being gay. Our state (Michigan) only just added LGBTQ people as a protected group last month. In the city where we live, an anti-discrimination and harassment policy was passed a few weeks ago to support LGBTQ folks, which is awesome, but this was only won by a narrow margin, 4-3. What that says to me is that 4 of my local government representatives believe that LGBTQ people should NOT be discriminated against based on their orientation or gender identities, and 3 of them believe that it’s be okay for them to be discriminated against. And, as always, I must substitute “them” for “my daughter.” She part of the LGBTQ community, and every threat to them is a threat to her. I take her equality very personally.

And of course, there are schools and colleges that would not admit, or would kick my daughter out of school, for being gay. As great of a kid as she is, and has never been in any trouble at school, this characteristic could get her expelled. It’s called out in all of the Student Handbooks. Title IX exists federally to protect students from harassment and discrimination based on sex, which includes protections for LGBTQ youth, but many Christian colleges (who receive federal funding) have declared an exemption to Title IX, which not only allows the schools to forbid attendance of transgender students and same-sex dating/relationships but also forbid affirming/supportive speech from allies.

There are a handful of states that contain school districts where educators are legally prohibited from speaking in a positive light, if at all, about LGB and Transgender issues. These are referred to as “No Promo Homo” laws — here’s a map showing the states where students like my daughter could be stigmatized in the classroom by their own teachers:

Oh, but the public schools! Everybody’s afraid of the public schools where they might allow a lesbian teacher to talk about her kids and wife in front of her students. Or, what if the LGBTQ civil rights movement (Stonewall Riots!) is taught in history class? I have seen enough scary media on this subject, and I know their message is, “pull your kids out of public schools!” and never expose them to “people like my daughter.”

💔

The trouble is, there are many other people like my daughter in our schools, and in our/your families, (and, gasp, even in church and homeschool groups!) and when we understand the difference a supportive environment can make for them (and it is significant) vs an environment where the only time when the word “gay” can be uttered is in context of the AIDS crisis or on a list of “things that will send you to hell,” we need to be willing to accept some possible initial discomfort for the greater welfare of at-risk youth. Check out the findings of the Human Rights Campaign’s largest LGBTQ Youth Survey to understand more about how LGBTQ kids are describing their own experiences in and out of school, how safe or unsafe they feel, and what we as society/family/friends can do to better support them. (Again, I will substitute in “my daughter” here. Check out the survey to find out how you can better understand and support my daughter. ❤️) 

Wherever you fall in your theological understanding, please don’t think for a second that the world is a wonderful place for LGBTQ people today. You might be someone who feels offended by the recent rise of LGB storylines and Transgender people on TV, or believe the fearful rhetoric coming from many “trusted” voices in media, but this is a group that has been continuously beaten down in large and small ways from every direction for much of their lives. They want nothing more than to NOT be attacked, not be othered and not be discriminated against. They are normal people who desire to live a normal life, just like you do. I know this is all my daughter wants, and what we, her parents, want for her. It does not seem like an unreasonable request. And yet…

This stuff 👇 makes it hard for them to live in peace, and frankly, hard for many people to stand by them and treat them with dignity and respect.

This is an exhausting time for people who care. It is difficult for those who are weary and scarred to dig deep, especially those who are directly impacted by discriminatory laws, policies and hate speech/behavior, and those who are vulnerable to what feels like constant activism against them these days, whether in their ability to serve in the military, serve in their churches or adopt a child. So the rest of us, who are not carrying this burden of mere existence (cis hetero privilege!), need to resist for them and with them. And guess what: it should not violate our religious liberties at all to “not” actively attempt to limit someone else’s liberties. I think a person can hold a completely traditional, non-affirming view and still be a kind, loving neighbor by affording others the same dignities that you desire. The secret is in “not” doing things, saying things, or voting on things that cause LGBTQ people “lesser rights” or undue harm. Easy peasy. Equal treatment, that is what the resistance is about. Not as scary as you may have thought!

🌈

Back in our hardcore research phase, I found myself troubled by what one author suggested parents should do after their young child tells them they are gay. The chapter was called, “How To Love Your Gay Teen,” and yet it did not once mention telling your teen that you love them. The focus was on expressing your disappointment and setting boundaries. I was ranting a bit to my husband about how off-putting it was to have a whole chapter dedicated to parents of kids this age, presumably from Christian homes, and be so tone-deaf to the vulnerability of these kids who have almost universally dealt with self-loathing and shame — kids who foremost NEED TO HEAR THAT THEY ARE STILL LOVED when having the scariest conversation of their lives with the people whose love they need the most.

Sam was in the room at the time and she let out a laugh.

“What’s so funny?,” I asked her.

She responded, “Why do you need a book to tell you how to love your own child?”

From the mouths of babes. She was right. I was tone-deaf, too. The instructions for “How to love my gay teen” were already written on my heart, the last place I thought I could trust. I have learned, and continue to learn, a lot from my sweet middle child. For so many reasons, I admire and cherish her.

Sam was our family’s first rainbow flag. She was the thing we all needed.

#